I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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