i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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