What did we do last night that was yellow?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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