An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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