watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
