You're my little dorito
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
