Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
is that a dick in a sweater?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
