I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
