you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
