A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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