I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
