my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
