make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
