He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
