U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
