He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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