I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
