My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
