make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
