He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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