Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
