she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
