If i come over, it means nothing
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
