Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
