Reggie can tackle my bush.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
