I think I won the penis lottery.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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