i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
