i would punch a child for taco bell
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
