you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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