five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
