While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
