im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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