My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
