maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
now i know why i became what i already was.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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