you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
