There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
