what day is it and did you see me today?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
