I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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