I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
