Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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