Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?