I need to stop coming to work sober
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
