When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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