He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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