Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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