You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
