see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Semen is not good for contacts.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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