Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize