I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
