My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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