The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I need to align my fucking chakras
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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