I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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