I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
