Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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