remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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