well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
